The Silly Jokes Thread

[Alice]

Ok, I'll start - here's one for Cath.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"


All together now....g-r-o-a-n!

[Alice]

What do you call a deer that doesn't have any eyes?
No idear!


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idear!

[Alice]

Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face. "Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?"
"Yes," the doctor replies.
"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.
"So what's the problem?"
"I think I'm going deaf."

LOL

[JCox]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?............

[Alice]

Hehehe

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by JCox

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?............

(groan)






but I like it !

[Loverotties]

Good but don't leave your day job yet.

[Doug1]

GAwd and I refrained from posting the Irish Viagra joke

[dobejazz]

With some creative rewording that one might be ok Doug

[Doug1]

OK its all Kellis fault

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra,. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear
exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He
jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his interest apperent!"

"With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cupsand tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there,
making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the loveyour husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the lovin was foine indeed! 'Twas the best lovin I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here,

I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".

[FishyDogs]

Okay, here is a clean one:

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Tango," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by FishyDogs

Okay, here is a clean one:

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Tango," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Oh Man, you got me, you will pay

[FishyDogs]

One more, a little more dirty:

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

[jlscrug]

A young boy was knelt down and working dilligently at something in his grandfather's front yard. After several minutes, curiosity filled grandpa so he walked out to see what was going on. As he approached he could see his little man feverishly trying to force a big nightcrawler to go down into a little hole that he had augered out with a stick. Grandfather laughed and told the boy, "Son, that just won't work. You can't make such a little critter go where he is a mind not to." Little boy looks up and says, "Betcha five bucks I can!" Grandfather thought a moment and replied, "You're on." Boy rises to his feet, runs in the house, and comes back out with a can of grandma's 'Ultra Hold' hair spray. Sprays the worm up and down then pokes him straight in. Grandpa is awestruck, pulles the 5 out of his overalls, snatches the can away from the boy, and proceeds back inside. About half an hour later grandpa comes back outside and gives the boy another 5. Boy looks up bewildered at which point grandfather says, "That there is from your grandma."

[Doug1]

I see and hear nothing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!