The Silly Jokes Thread

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by jlscrug

...at which point grandfather says, "That there is from your grandma."

[Loverotties]

Why did the Piarete go to the movies? It was rated RRRRRRRR!

[cath]

HAHAHAHAHA! I love it. Thanks for the Beethoven joke, Alice. And also for the clean jokes that Doug couldn't hear

Great way to start out a *onday. Surely I can find one to add to the list tonight

[Stang69]

A Norwegian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is easy" and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then he picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

[Doug1]

Jeff who ???????????????

[Doug1]

Sven and Ollie Immagrate from Scandanavia to America, after doing their thing with Immagration they head to the employment office to register.
Sven sits at the counsolers desk and is asked what jobs he had previously held in the old country. Sven proudly replies " I was a Dieselfitter" the job counselor is elated, Well Sven, I can get you into the union and into a high paying job right awayNext its Ollies turn with the job placement counselor, seeing Svens good fortune, he is optomistic that the American dream is falling into his grasp, so he sits down at the desk and the counselor asks him what he did in the old country.
Ollie proudly says" I vas puttin der elastic in der vaistband of de vimmens underpants"

The job counselor hems and haws and finally tells Ollie that there is no job for him in america, all those jobs have been outsourced and to bad .

By this time Ollie is really upset, and starts in on the counselor, telling him that " Fer 28 yrs I put der elastic in der waistband of der vimmens underpants, and you tell me there is no job for me, but Sven has a job in the union and making a ton of money, how come?

The counselor tells hime that Sven is experienced in a field that is hi demand, with the increase in diesel demand and All.
By this time Ollie is really upset and jumps up yelling " Fer 28 yrs i put der elastic in der vaistband of der vimmens underpants and all that **** Sven did was pick dem up, and stretch the vaistband and go diesel fitter>"

[xtopher]

An older couple decide they want to have a child, but aren't too sure if the mans soldiers still march

They go to the doctor and he says "put a sample inthis jar and bring it back in the morning

the next morning they are in the doctors office and the doctor asks how it went The man replies
I tried with my right hand then my left hand so I then let my wife try...she used her left hand, right hand, both hands.....she even tried with her teeth

But she couldn't get the lid off of that ****ed jar!!!!!

[xtopher]

You bunch of pervs.....HAHAHA

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by Doug1

"... Fer 28 yrs i put der elastic in der vaistband of der vimmens underpants and all that **** Sven did was pick dem up, and stretch the vaistband and go 'diesel fitter'?"

I guess ya had to be there...

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

I guess ya had to be there...

OK Tom, imagine after 6 beers i am telling this joke vit accents and pantomiming stretching motions while saying , Deez'l fitter, Deez'l fitter

[Stang69]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him

the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."


"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"



"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by Doug1

OK Tom, imagine after 6 beers i am telling this joke vit accents and pantomiming stretching motions while saying , Deez'l fitter, Deez'l fitter

OK, I AM grinning, but I kinda can see you telling Stang's joke better...





however, there is a bit of appeal to the 6 beers part...

[Fly Guy]

Ok forgive me....i just drank a jubel ale, and im the ONLY person here. Are most of you guys in a different time zone or something??

.......

A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my hoo hoo
has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."
She asks, "On my hoo hoo"

He says, "No. On your nose!"

[tdwyatt]

Ba-dum dum {{{CHING}}}




"I'm here till Saturday folks!"



"try the lasagna!"

[tdwyatt]

and I think Dug is still in your time zone...