testing, just ignore this thread

[tims]

[Doug1]

"Hold my beer, and Y'all watch this "

[tdwyatt]

Two local kids in a rural neighborhood grow up together and are best friends ever! They graduate high school and went to separate colleges but both moved back to their rural home town. One became a banker, the other took up scientific farming. After several years, the farming effort fell on hard times, the market would just not support the crops the farmer would select, so his banker friend suggested that they go together and invest in a herd of cows for milk production, as everyone always needs milk. After some discussion about who would do what and how the profits would be divided, the two went to market and bought 100 calves for their future dairy farm livestock. Well a few years went by, the cows became of age, but they would not produce any milk. The scientific half of the team realized one afternoon that the cows would need the presence of a bull and potentially a pregnancy to start their milk production, so the two of them again go to the auctions and pick up the most fantastic heavy set bull they can find, It turns out to be a real beauty: heavy, huge, well-structured, and any males that would come from him would be prime beef production! So they release the bull into the fields with the cows and go back to the farm house to sit on the porch and drink a beer or two while the bull "gets busy..."

Three beers later, as the sun begins to set, the bull is still grazing at the grass, not paying any attention to the cows in the field...


The circumstances repeat the next day the ENTIRE day. One day turns into two, then five, then two weeks! Realizing that the two of them now have a HUGE investment in this bull, they call in a beef production veterinary specialist. When the vet arrives, he walks out the to bull, opens his bag and begins an EXTENSIVE exam, taking samples and checking the bull out completely. After two hours go by, the vet closes his bag, removes his gloves, and walks back to the waiting men.

"Gentlemen, I know what the problem is," the Vet said with a smile, "your bull has a libido problem! He suffers from a temporary lack of sex drive from the sudden change in location."

"Oh MY!" the Farmer exclaims, what can we do about this?" The banker, now seeing a huge financial loss on the horizon, turns away, wringing his hands, says good-bye and gets in his car to drive home.

"Not to worry," says the Vet, "just give him one of these Bull Viagra pills every hour until you see the desired results, and he will woo each and every cow in the pasture!" The banker, hearing this, just shook his head and drove away, seeing more and more dollars floating out the window with the quack of a vet. The vet gave the farmer a bottle of the pills and leaves. The farmer looked at the bottle, then goes down to the field to give the bull his medicine.

~~~

The next morning, the banker is driving to work when he realizes that in his dispair he had left his briefcase out at the farm, so he detours out to pick up his papers. As he rounds the bend at the farm entrance, he looks out and sees the bull doing his thing with one cow after another! Suddenly elated, he drops the accelerator and drives up to the house to see the farmer eating breakfast on the front porch, his wife beaming over him while she serves him a large plate of eggs, bacon and (ultimate) grits next to a stack of whole grain pecan pancakes and strong Starbucks coffee.

"WOW!" exclaimed the banker, " This is incredible, I saw the bull down in the pastures when I drove past the lower acreage! When did he start?"

The farmer replied, "Oh, about 15 minutes after I gave him the first and only pill, he's been going all night, only stopping to eat two huge bales of hay this morning, then went right back to it! He's been going all morning since he ate!"

"That is REALLY incredible, what's in those pills?" asked the banker.

"I dunno," replied the farmer,











"but they taste like peppermint..."

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Minnreefer

My 1 year old son loves the banana phone song, my wife on the other hand hates it

everybody at my office loves it when I play that song.

[Junkzoo]

Originally Posted by cath

then you get to pass out the beverages to everyone, Jeff!

After i get thru with the ones i want first LOL

[tdwyatt]

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY UP-TO-DATE ABOUT COMPUTERS, READ THIS, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER

Take heart, for those amongst you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is a group of excerpts from a recent (circa mid-04) Wall Street Journal article:



1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller... The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped off in the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!

[VWD]

Well this is a good place to check to see why I am getting such a big white area under my signature Just a test,, Vince

[JennM]

This is true...

Just before Christmas I upgraded my ancient cell phone, which I've had fo 4 years, thus making it a virtual "antique". I bought one of those new flip phones with a camera in it.

I was talking to my mother in law, on my land line and was telling her I bought a new cell phone with a camera in it, and she asked me if I was taking her picture as we spoke!

Jenn

[icebear]

i had a customer once who didn't understand how i could have faxed a paper to her insurance company, when the paper was still in the fax machine
9it didn't go anywhere....

i think she was having a slow day

[Casey]

[Doug1]

I am no longer shocked by peoples ability to come up with the ****edest things

[tdwyatt]

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the lowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!


That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[tims]

[Doug1]

[Minnreefer]

Social Tips for Rednecks (and just plain good advice)

In General...

1. Never take a beer to an interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude

to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Dining Out

1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper

cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

Entertaining in your home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a

taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his

manners are.

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in

private using one's own truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they

tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to

go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two

years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some

will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the

answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have

proven that they can't hear you.

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special

occasion.

Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is

loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest

tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite

to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession