testing, just ignore this thread

[tdwyatt]

(Think Rodney Dangerfield while reading these)

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.












She asked, 'What's on the TV?'












I said, 'Dust.'












And then the fight started...

[tdwyatt]

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said,








"Do you want to fool around?"








"No," she answered.








I then said, "Is that your final answer?"








She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."








So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."








And then the fight started....

[tdwyatt]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.






I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.






The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.








I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."








My loving wife of 10 years replied,








"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"








And then the fight started...

[tdwyatt]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.










She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'








So, I bought her a scale.









And then the fight started...

[tdwyatt]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.









I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.









I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.








The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair.









She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.







When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.











She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.










And then the fight started...

[tdwyatt]

How does Mel put up with me?

[Loverotties]

Oddies but goodies!

[FishDaddy]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

How does Mel put up with me?

Mel just finished reading your jokes and said; "Tom, I don't know how I put up with you."





And then, the fight started.



Dick

[VWD]

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of Dulac,
A little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike.
The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain.
It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door.
Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out; he started to pray and beg for his life;
He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window,
reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's; voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black,
and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other,
"Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

[Loverotties]

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest
from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness
and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an
appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by VWD

This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of Dulac,
A little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike.
The night was pitch dark in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain.
It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door.
Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out; he started to pray and beg for his life;
He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would then drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window,
reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and Saul was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into Schmoopy's; voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black,
and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized Saul was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Schmoopy's and one says to the other,
"Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

Vinny, I "Jenned" my monitor

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what
you are talking about.

That seems to come up a lot on BBS's like TRT...

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

That seems to come up a lot on BBS's like TRT...

Actually in "real life" far too often

[Loverotties]

not a joke but fun


1. Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head.)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT YOUR AREA CODE)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2.

cool huh....

[tdwyatt]

I think this one is for Doug:

From the international reading desk:
from Australian Shooter Magazine ...

(exerpt from the entire letter):

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 percent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the US , than you are in Iraq .

Based on these statistics, the conclusion we need to draw from this letter is: The US should pull out of Washington .