testing, just ignore this thread

[jenglish]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu (H1N1)............


Ignore it.















It's just Spam.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by jenglish

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu (H1N1)............


Ignore it.

I bought some imported tinned beef once, it tasted kinda funny , didnt hurt me any but I think the missus got bit of mad cow disease













It's just Spam.

[Loverotties]

Originally Posted by jenglish

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu (H1N1)............


Ignore it.


lol! And that's no bull!












It's just Spam.

[tdwyatt]

Heh!

I'll keep that one.

[FishDaddy]

In the Dark Ages, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called "Golf"

Dick

[Loverotties]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
***************

[richhershey]

Originally Posted by FishDaddy

In the Dark Ages, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.

Today, it's called "Golf"

Dick

How true is that! Good one

[Loverotties]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

[quader94]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
***************

[FishDaddy]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar
stool.

One of them says to the bartender: "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip."

The one on the left says; "I'm John, he's Jim."

"Two Molson Canadian draft beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month", says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England! says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like all that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers &
Molsons draft beer, that's us, eh Jim? We can't stand the English!"

"So why keep going to England" asks the bartender?



"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

Dick

[Loverotties]

Lol!

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by FishDaddy

"So why keep going to England" asks the bartender?



"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

[Loverotties]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

------------------

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi were on a stage together in front of a huge crowd. However, both of them have been in front of crowds before, so, to make this time more interesting,

Nancy said to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He said,
"Really! Show me."

She waved. Sure enough, every Democrat in the crowd cheered wildly.
The cheering then subsided as quickly as it started.

The Pope, not to be outdone by such arrogance, thought about what he could do to answer her stunt.
"That was impressive," the Pope said, "but did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make almost every person in this country go crazy with joy? What's more, this joy will not be a momentary display like that of your people, but will go deep into their hearts. They will forever speak of this day, and they will rejoice."

The Speaker doubted this, of course, and said with a smirk,
"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So, the Pope slapped her.

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi were on a stage together in front of a huge crowd. However, both of them have been in front of crowds before, so, to make this time more interesting...

Nancy said to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He said, "Really! Show me."

She waved. Sure enough, every Democrat in the crowd cheered wildly.
The cheering then subsided as quickly as it started.

The Pope, not to be outdone by such arrogance, thought about what he could do to answer her stunt. "That was impressive," the Pope said, "but did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make almost every person in this country go crazy with joy? What's more, this joy will not be a momentary display like that of your people, but will go deep into their hearts. They will forever speak of this day, and they will rejoice."

The Speaker doubted this, of course, and said with a smirk,
"One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So, the Pope slapped her.

Now THAT was funny! I'm still laughing, I almost got choked!

[VWD]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?


Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000 Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']
[/font]Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife, You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

No wonder men are happier.