testing, just ignore this thread

[FishDaddy]

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used his cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a single engine Cessna would be waiting for him at the airport.

He was going to cover a big wild fire in the hills outside of town.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar.
He jumped in with his photo bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted,
'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded haughtily, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my Flight Instructor?


Dick

[VWD]

Good one Dick,

[Loverotties]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A
neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just
right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine
until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure
the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
__________________

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by FishDaddy

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my Flight Instructor?


Dick

Heh heh heheheh... I'll use that one.

...and the blonde joke goes in the book.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A
neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just
right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine
until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure
the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
__________________

Reminds me of the two blondes from Minnesota found dead in their car come spring, seems they went to see "Closed For The Winter" at the local Drive-IN theater

[Loverotties]

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

---

>Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
>hold them while you chop.
>
>Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the
>sink.
>
>For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
>minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. ** **Remember to use a
>timer.
>
>A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
>rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>
>If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
>afraid to cough.
>
>You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
>and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
>tape.
>
>Always remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
>If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
>
>And finally, a daily thought:
>
>SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING**,** BUT THEY
>BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.*
__________________

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

---

>Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
>hold them while you chop.

Hard to talk anyone into that since I do salsa with my Katana
>
>Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the
>sink.

Ain't happening ;0
>
>For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
>minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. ** **Remember to use a
>timer.

I am at the age where any bump into something produces a leak in my "hull" the copay on BP meds cuts into my beer money, should I eat the last bottle in a 12er
>
>A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
>rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

I am usually up at 5, unless I need to be up at 5
>
>If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
>afraid to cough.
Not going there
>You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
>and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
>tape.

one of the first things I learned in auto shop( our teacher was a Huey Mechanic)
>
>Always remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

I am not now , nor have ever been Normal, but I know people that live there
>
>If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
>
My electrician has 6 different size hammers and a spare fuse and some C batteries when he comes over, Why does he get a months wages to peform "percussive Maintenance
>And finally, a daily thought:
>
>SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING**,** BUT THEY
>BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.*

Hmmmmmmmm I always thought that was my role in life
__________________

[Loverotties]

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."



Father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"



The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."



The next day, Grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.



A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this; "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."



Next day, the grandmother died.



"My gosh," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side!"



Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."



He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was as nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so, instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.



When he got home, his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?"



He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life!"



She said, "You think you had a bad day! You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
***************

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

She said, "You think you had a bad day! You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

OK, it took me 20 minutes to stop laughing on THAT one...

[tdwyatt]

WOW!!!! we reached 100,000 and the world didn't end...


and on that note:

A man with a guilty conscience died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks here for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are the Lie-Clocks of Humanity. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time someone lies, the hands on their clock will movebackwards, and it determines how they will pay for their transgressions."

''Oh," said the man, noticing that one near the front was at 12 MN exactly, "To whom does that clock belong?"

''That's Mother Teresa's," said St. Peter, "the hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie during her life."

''Incredible,' said the man, 'And whose clock is that one?" pointing to one that was only 5 minutes before 12 MN.

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"'Obama's clock?" queried St. Peter, scratching his head, "Oh, that's in my office.


... I use it for a ceiling fan."

[jenglish]

Careful with that joke Tom, its an antique I been hearing that one since Reagan!

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by jenglish

Careful with that joke Tom, its an antique I been hearing that one since Reagan!

The great thing with old political jokes is that they are recycleable. It is REALLY great if you have print resources that go back to the Eisenhower era; many of the jkes that I see on the 'Net are direct lifts from the New Yorker or Washington Post of yesteryear.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by Loverotties

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."



Father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"



The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."



The next day, Grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.



A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this; "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."



Next day, the grandmother died.



"My gosh," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side!"



Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."



He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was as nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so, instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.



When he got home, his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?"



He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life!"



She said, "You think you had a bad day! You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
***************

Touche'

[Loverotties]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

WOW!!!! we reached 100,000 and the world didn't end...


and on that note:

A man with a guilty conscience died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks here for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are the Lie-Clocks of Humanity. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time someone lies, the hands on their clock will movebackwards, and it determines how they will pay for their transgressions."

''Oh," said the man, noticing that one near the front was at 12 MN exactly, "To whom does that clock belong?"

''That's Mother Teresa's," said St. Peter, "the hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie during her life."

''Incredible,' said the man, 'And whose clock is that one?" pointing to one that was only 5 minutes before 12 MN.

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"'Obama's clock?" queried St. Peter, scratching his head, "Oh, that's in my office.


... I use it for a ceiling fan."

LOL! never herd that one,but reminds me of one!
A John gets to heaven and St. peter asked him if he ever cheated on his wife and he said only once so he said I'll give you a Rolls Royce to get around up here.Steve gets there and St.Peters ask him the same question and said,yes,5 times.So he got a Chevy.Tom gets there and says"all the time,to many to give a number.So he got a Yugo.
So the three meet at a Red light and asked John why he's crying?You have the nicest car. And he said he just saw his wife riding a skateboard!
I love that one!ROTFLMAO!

[Loverotties]

http://peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=9