testing, just ignore this thread

[Loverotties]

The REDNECK FIRE ALARM

[jenglish]

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[richhershey]

Tasty!

[FishDaddy]

Originally Posted by jenglish

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Ingenuity!


Speeding Senior

A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-30, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?
I'm too old for this!" and pulled over.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I've never before heard, I'll let you go...." The old gentleman paused then said:

"Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by FishDaddy

Ingenuity!


Speeding Senior

A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-30, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?
I'm too old for this!" and pulled over.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I've never before heard, I'll let you go...." The old gentleman paused then said:

"Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

A classic, one of my favorites

[tdwyatt]

The Haircut....

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then Barney Frank came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference taxpayers and our representatives…



Hey, at least I’m off attorneys for a while.

[tdwyatt]

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

[tdwyatt]

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was considered a weapon of math disruption.

[tdwyatt]

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes

[FishDaddy]

You're on a roll, Tom. You must be feelin' better.

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Dick

[VWD]

Exercise Program

I tried it, I liked it, you will too!!

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


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NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day.


Great job.
Have a glass of wine.

[Doug1]

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by FishDaddy

You're on a roll, Tom. You must be feelin' better.

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Dick

Thank's, Dick, I've been laughing now for 20 minutes, somehow that really was funny to me.

My favorite of all time is still:

Time flies like an arrow,
Fluit flies like a banana.

[tdwyatt]

There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them.

Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed.

Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.

The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.

Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired."



"No problem, dearie," cackled one of the old ladies. "After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best."

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them.

Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed.

Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.

The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.

Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired."



"No problem, dearie," cackled one of the old ladies. "After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best."

That's pretty clever