testing, just ignore this thread

[tdwyatt]

Cath made me post this one...


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

[tdwyatt]

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .

[jenglish]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .

If that joke was a horse the Vet would tell you to put it down

[tdwyatt]

Jeremy, it gets worse...




The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Several years ago when I was single, I dated a woman from Gowansville that was a moonshiner. She was only a whiskey-maker, but I loved her still.

and my personal favorite...

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

[tdwyatt]

A defense attorney arrived home quite late on evening, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor appeared to have failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed over his client's impending loss of life.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "Do you KNOW what time it is? What time of night it this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" ...and on and on and on...

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a shot of expensive whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client , Mr.James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

When she heard the caller from the prison describe how valiantly her husband had been fighting for the stay, the wife realized what a terrible day her husband must have had. She decided to go upstairs and give him the good news and try to make up. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband just finishing his bath; naked, bent over at the waist with his back to her, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said with a bit of glee in her voice, to which the husband whirled around and screamed,






"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

[VWD]

Good One Tom

[Phishnoob]

OK I'll cry mercy!! Put me a few miles outside a commie base in a submarine and I am good...but all these puns are too much. The Obama administration would have outlawed this in the first week before Gitmo.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by Phishnoob

OK I'll cry mercy!! Put me a few miles outside a commie base in a submarine and I am good...but all these puns are too much. The Obama administration would have outlawed this in the first week before Gitmo.

[jenglish]

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[Phishnoob]

Originally Posted by jenglish

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

To quote Chris Berman "Neat, Sweet and Petite"

Those are a definite improvement.

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by jenglish

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large...

Heh!

Good! Maybe could bew one of my faves...


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

I was offered a job making venetian blinds, but I turned it down, because it sounded like a shady business.



And just for Perry...

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down the main street in his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Curious to the point of distraction and unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you have another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, stammering and red-faced,

.
.
.


"I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."

[Phishnoob]

Just shoot me now.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

Heh!

Good! Maybe could bew one of my faves...


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

I was offered a job making venetian blinds, but I turned it down, because it sounded like a shady business.



And just for Perry...

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down the main street in his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Curious to the point of distraction and unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you have another track."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, stammering and red-faced,

.
.
.


"I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."

Click, BOOM

[david426]

[jenglish]

On organic farms they till it like it is