testing, just ignore this thread

[tdwyatt]

don't encourage me...




I went to a seafood disco last week - and pulled a mussel

[tdwyatt]

...because it only gets worse...




Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's REALLY good)...






...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[tdwyatt]

A woman has twins, and due to her economic hard times gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan decides to look for his birth mother, finds her and sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,







"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[tdwyatt]

When you've read too many of these pums, you get the feeling of Deja Moo.



Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

When you've read too many of these pums, you get the feeling of Deja Moo.



Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Which reminds me that the sound of a cow laffing is Moo Hoo Hoo Hah Hah

[tdwyatt]

We had to have the garage door repaired, so as it was a Sears deal we had gotten one year, the wife called them to come and fix it. The Sears repairman came to the house a week later, looked at the door opoener for 5 minutes, then proceeded to tell us that the biggest problem was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a 1/2 horsepower at the salesman's suggestiion...

He shook his head and said, 'Sir, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'


I guess all that time studying pharmacokinetics at USC was a total waste of time... ...I took about 30 minutes with a can of silicone lube to fix the door and adjusted the chain tension with a screwdriver and wrench, I don't see us going back down to Sears for repairs any time soon.

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

When you've read too many of these pums, you get the feeling of Deja Moo.



Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I am really craving Vu ja day, the feeling this has never happened before

[Phishnoob]

My wife had a client quit on her and call the owner of the practice.

The lady brought in a boy and girl kitten from the same litter and Cynthia brought up the topic of getting them fixed. The client said that they were brother or sister, but she was told leave it alone and there would be kittens.

The lady was outraged and stomped out mentioning the fact that "she kept a good Christian home".

Oh sorry no punch line just had no idea where else to post that.

[tdwyatt]

Murder case at Wal-Mart in Spartanburg

Cath said I should post this on TRT as it is applicable to issues that may occur in each of our day-to-day lives, here's the sordid story ~tdw



Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife listing himself as the beneficiary, then started making arrangements to have her killed. A "friend of a friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure that went by the name of only "Artie."

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband, surprised at the cost, said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect the insurance policy money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front as a token of the man's true intent, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that lay folded inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed, thinking, "after all, a buck is a buck..."

A few days later, after observing and gathering information on the unsuspecting victim, Artie followed the hapless wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, the hit man had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security team, who immediately called the police and locked down the store. Artie was apprehended and arrested before he could even get to the front of the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, The hired hit man revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the not-too-bright husband who was also quickly arrested and jailed. As the two accomplices were brought in for arraignment, the city jail was a mass of photographers and reporters trying to get the scoop.

The next day, the Spartanburg Herald-Journal newspaper pasted the headline all over the front page declaring...





















"ARTIE CHOKES TWO for $1.00 AT WAL-MART" '








Oh, quit groaning! I bet this is viral on the 'Net in 24 hours...

[VWD]

[tdwyatt]

From another thread in the Think tank...



Quote:

Originally Posted by Spanky
When you get through, I'm going to ask you to tell me what makes them red.

Living in Russia?




Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend by the name of Yuri Sorokin in the Soviet Academy of Oceanography. Yuri's nickname was Rudolph, but only his closest friends knew him as Rudolph. Dr. Sorokin would drop by occasionally and they would discuss an item in the paper, the latest theory of substrawte carbon balance, Symbiodiniium shuffling, sometimes even the mundane, occasionally to distraction. One evening, Gerald and his wife Peg had just eaten supper when Dr. Sorokin knocked at the door. They invited him in and poured the first of many shots of Vodka. Soon they were hotly discussing whether or not the Russians were more advanced in their studies of the symbionts and some of the SSU rRNA processes. The discussion under the influence of alcohol soon became so heated that the two men almost came to blows, Peg called for a temporary truce during which the two were not to speak for 2 solid minutes. They both became very embarrassed, looked around the room and began to try and think of something else to talk about besides endosymbiont subjects. Finally, Gerald looked out the window and said, "Look, it's snowing."

Dr. Sorokin looked out and said very quickly, "No, I think it is just rain."

"I'm sure it is snow," insisted Gerald.

"...And I am just as sure that it is rain," said Dr. Sorokin.

At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument before they started getting hot again, as he could clearly see it was snowing. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, "No dear, I believe Dr. Sorokins is right, I think it's rain, too."

Gerald became a bit more embarassed, so he asked how Peg could say that it was rain when it was clearly snowing big heavy flakes. Peg replied, "Oh Gerald it's so obvious, don't you know...






...that Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear..."

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

From another thread in the Think tank...



Quote:

Living in Russia?




Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend by the name of Yuri Sorokin in the Soviet Academy of Oceanography. Yuri's nickname was Rudolph, but only his closest friends knew him as Rudolph. Dr. Sorokin would drop by occasionally and they would discuss an item in the paper, the latest theory of substrawte carbon balance, Symbiodiniium shuffling, sometimes even the mundane, occasionally to distraction. One evening, Gerald and his wife Peg had just eaten supper when Dr. Sorokin knocked at the door. They invited him in and poured the first of many shots of Vodka. Soon they were hotly discussing whether or not the Russians were more advanced in their studies of the symbionts and some of the SSU rRNA processes. The discussion under the influence of alcohol soon became so heated that the two men almost came to blows, Peg called for a temporary truce during which the two were not to speak for 2 solid minutes. They both became very embarrassed, looked around the room and began to try and think of something else to talk about besides endosymbiont subjects. Finally, Gerald looked out the window and said, "Look, it's snowing."

Dr. Sorokin looked out and said very quickly, "No, I think it is just rain."

"I'm sure it is snow," insisted Gerald.

"...And I am just as sure that it is rain," said Dr. Sorokin.

At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument before they started getting hot again, as he could clearly see it was snowing. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, "No dear, I believe Dr. Sorokins is right, I think it's rain, too."

Gerald became a bit more embarassed, so he asked how Peg could say that it was rain when it was clearly snowing big heavy flakes. Peg replied, "Oh Gerald it's so obvious, don't you know...






...that Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear..."

Who are you again

[david426]

An elderly couple was having some marital difficulty. They were each forgetting what the other was saying and causing some hurt feelings. They finally saw a counselor, who recommended that they write down what the other was saying and try to remember it that way. So they go home to watch TV, and the husband says, "I'm going to fix a snack, you want something?" The wife says, "yeah I think I'll have some ice cream; do you want to write that down?" The husband says, "ice cream, no, I got it." Then the wife says, "because I think I'd like some strawberries on it, and then I'd like some whipped cream on top of that; you sure you don't want to write this down?" The husband says, "ice cream, strawberries, whip cream, no I got it." So he disappears into the kitchen, he's in there for like twenty minutes and he finally comes out with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife takes one look at him and says,















"You forgot my toast!!"

[tdwyatt]

Originally Posted by david426

...The husband says, "ice cream, strawberries, whip cream, no I got it." So he disappears into the kitchen, he's in there for like twenty minutes and he finally comes out with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife takes one look at him and says...

..."You forgot my toast!!"

Heh! Heh! Heh! I used a version of that ths morning in a meeting, went over like gangbusters!


I think this can be attributed to GregT, not sure, it was in files that I had saved without source documentation (got to clean all these old files out!), correct me if I am wrong:

Originally Posted by Greg

Little boy: Sir, I want to buy that cat in the window.
Pet shop owner: Ok son, but how are you going to deal with the cat's poop?
Little boy: I thought I could just train the cat to go in a litter box....
Pet shop owner: Oh no, that's much to much work. To do it right you'll also have to buy this "cat poop filter". It takes care of it's self, only takes up one room in your house, and provides you with hours of additional fascination. It consists of a foot of dirt straight from a cow pasture, all the bugs included. (You'll have to restock the bugs from time to time) Also includes a cow and a horse too.
Little boy: Do I really need a cow and a horse just to have a cat?
Pet shop owner: Of course you do, otherwise the bugs will die. They need to have the cow and horse poop to eat.
Little boy: But I thought the bugs would eat the cat poop.
Pet shop owner: They will, but that's not enough for them to eat.
Little boy: Why don't I just have less bugs?
Pet shop owner: Because then there won't be enough to eat all the cat poop.
Little boy: What?
Pet shop owner: You're too little to understand.
Little boy: (not wanting to seem stupid) Well, I just though a litter box would do the trick.
Pet shop owner: That's what all little boys think. I know better.
Little boy: Maybe I could just throw some dirt of my own in the room and my uncle has a goat....
Pet shop owner: That might work, but don't come to me and complain if you don't follow my instructions to the letter. You have to have just the right kind of bugs.
Little boy: What kind of bugs?
Pet shop owner: Oh all kinds.
Little boy: How many exactly?
Pet shop owner: As many as you can get.
Little boy: How will I know if I have enough.
Pet shop owner: Oh, I could tell you but you'll never be able to figure it out.
Little boy: Then how will I know if it's enough?
Pet shop owner: Just keep putting more in as often as possible.
Little boy: Ok. How do I know when I need more.
Pet shop owner: As soon as you can afford it, get more.
Little boy: Just a cow, a horse, a foot of dirt, and a bunch of bugs. That sounds easy.
Pet shop owner: It is.
Little boy: Do you use this kind of filter for your store so I can see how it works?
Pet shop owner: No.
Little boy: How come?
Pet shop owner: I had a really cool setup, but the cow died of Anthrax, fell over and landed on some of the cats so I had to tear it down. It was something to see though. Just pick up some special anti-anthrax cow food, and you won't have that problem.
Little boy: Gee mister, I wish I had seen it. Ok, I guess I'll take the farm in a box.
Pet shop owner: I knew you were a bright boy.
Little boy: (smiles wide knowing he's smarter than all his friends)

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

Heh! Heh! Heh! I used a version of that ths morning in a meeting, went over like gangbusters!


I think this can be attributed to GregT, not sure, it was in files that I had saved without source documentation (got to clean all these old files out!), correct me if I am wrong:

Thats a good one Tom