testing, just ignore this thread

[Loverotties]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day....

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

' What the Hell was I thinking?'

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband

.

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

[david426]

A muslim, a hindu and a lawyer break down on a lonely road.
After inquiring at a nearby farm house, the farmer says "sure I can put you guys up but, I've only got room for two of ya' in the house; one of ya' is gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The hindu says, "I'll sleep in the barn." So it gets quiet and after a while there's a knock on the door, and it's the hindu!

The hindu says, "There's a cow out there! I can't sleep with a cow!"

So the muslim says, "I'll sleep in the barn." So it gets quiet and after a while there's a knock on the door, and it's the muslim!

The muslim says, "There's a pig out there! I can't sleep with a pig!"

So the lawyer says "Fine I'll sleep in the barn." So it gets quiet and after a while there's a knock on the door,





























and it's the cow and the pig!

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by david426

A muslim, a hindu and a lawyer break down on a lonely road.
After inquiring at a nearby farm house, the farmer says "sure I can put you guys up but, I've only got room for two of ya' in the house; one of ya' is gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The hindu says, "I'll sleep in the barn." So it gets quiet and after a while there's a knock on the door, and it's the hindu!

The hindu says, "There's a cow out there! I can't sleep with a cow!"

So the muslim says, "I'll sleep in the barn." So it gets quiet and after a while there's a knock on the door, and it's the muslim!

The muslim says, "There's a pig out there! I can't sleep with a pig!"

So the lawyer says "Fine I'll sleep in the barn." So it gets quiet and after a while there's a knock on the door,




























and it's the cow and the pig!

OH my, I Jenned the monitor and PMP over that one

[Phishnoob]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

I like my puns like I like my macaroni: The cheeesier the better!

I was watching on the Discovery channel about bird migration and the Arctic Tern goes just about longitudinally across the earth as the seasons change. It holds the record for the longest migration of any species.


On their way south from the Arctic Circle they headed over Oregon but I guess there were problems. The DEA did a major drug bust with almost two acres of Marijuana piled up to burn. They set it all on fire and the migrating birds flew threw it. After all was said and done and they figured out what happened it turned out.......

















no tern was left unstoned...

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by Phishnoob

I was watching on the Discovery channel about bird migration and the Arctic Tern goes just about longitudinally across the earth as the seasons change. It holds the record for the longest migration of any species.


On their way south from the Arctic Circle they headed over Oregon but I guess there were problems. The DEA did a major drug bust with almost two acres of Marijuana piled up to burn. They set it all on fire and the migrating birds flew threw it. After all was said and done and they figured out what happened it turned out.......

















no tern was left unstoned...

Dayum Perry, just my luck to be out here in Tenn and missed being collateral damage

[tdwyatt]

THOSE were ALL good, I will definitely retell those, especially the attorney joke!

Kinda like the old rag:

What is the idfference between a catfish and an attorney?


One is a scum-sucking, detrital-consuming, bottom-dwelling slimy denizen of the lowest reaches of the food chain,








...the other is a fish.

[jenglish]

so a bear walks up to a rabbit in the woods and asks, " Rabbit, do you ever have trouble getting poop out of your fur?"

Rabbit answers "why No Bear I don't"

So the Bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him.








A little native American boy walks up to his father and asks, "father, how do we name boys in our tribe?"

His father answers, "why, when a boy is born his father goes out and names him after the first thing he sees...."









"Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"

[jenglish]

Warning!!! this joke is not really dirty but perhaps in poor taste... its the cleanest joke I can remember!





Mr. Smith gets a call from his family doctor who tells him there has been a mix up at the lab. There were 2 Mrs Jane Smiths who had physicals the same day and the lab has no idea who's test results are whose. To make matters worse they have the same HMOs and they will not pay for anymore tests. Mortified Mr Smith demands, " how are the 2 test results?"

"well thats the other problem, one Mrs. Smith has dementia, the other has Syphillis and Genital warts" the Doctor tells him.

Mr. SMith asks "what am I supposed to do?"

THe doctor replies confidently, "We came up with a plan... take your wife out into the middle of the woods and leave her... if she finds her way home don't sleep with her anymore!"

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by jenglish

Warning!!! this joke is not really dirty but perhaps in poor taste... its the cleanest joke I can remember!





Mr. Smith gets a call from his family doctor who tells him there has been a mix up at the lab. There were 2 Mrs Jane Smiths who had physicals the same day and the lab has no idea who's test results are whose. To make matters worse they have the same HMOs and they will not pay for anymore tests. Mortified Mr Smith demands, " how are the 2 test results?"

"well thats the other problem, one Mrs. Smith has dementia, the other has Syphillis and Genital warts" the Doctor tells him.

Mr. SMith asks "what am I supposed to do?"

THe doctor replies confidently, "We came up with a plan... take your wife out into the middle of the woods and leave her... if she finds her way home don't sleep with her anymore!"

I am pretty sure if that were my joke I would have PM'd it to a select audience rather than posted in M'ville , I am thinking its a tad over the line even for M'ville

[jenglish]

Originally Posted by Doug1

I am pretty sure if that were my joke I would have PM'd it to a select audience rather than posted in M'ville , I am thinking its a tad over the line even for M'ville

duly noted

[Doug1]

Originally Posted by jenglish

duly noted

Thanks

[cath]

Originally Posted by tdwyatt

Kinda like the old rag:

What is the idfference between a catfish and an attorney?


One is a scum-sucking, detrital-consuming, bottom-dwelling slimy denizen of the lowest reaches of the food chain,

...the other is a fish.

Hehehe Like the kind in My Cousin Vinnie.

[david426]

A joke about the Carrot family.

Brother Carrot and sister Carrot were walking home from school when they get run over by a truck. Papa Carrot and Mama Carrot are called to the hospital. Papa Carrot rushes to the Doctor and asks, "Doc! Are they going to live?"

The Doctor replies, "Well, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is, they're going to live; but...





















They're going to be vegetables for the rest of their lives!"

[JennM]

Two more posts after this one and it's got 3000 replies

And y'all thought I'd died and fallen off the planet....

Jenn

[Phishnoob]

Originally Posted by JennM

Two more posts after this one and it's got 3000 replies

And y'all thought I'd died and fallen off the planet....

Jenn

Oooh I had to jump at that one...course it will be old news at post 4000 in six months.

Heya good to see you about Jenn!!