Help Me I love my wife

Buehlz · 09-10-2003, 11:10 AM

My wife and I are going through some hard times. OK some VERY VERY hard times. Both of us have been faithful to each other so we are not fighting about that. I have this problem that I like to put her on the back burner and deal with what I want to deal with when I want to deal with it. I have had a tough life growning up so I was not a great one at expressing my feelings and showing her my love. I must have done that enough to see that she wanted to marry me and have my son. We have been married for almost 5 yrs and I dont want it to end in the Big "D" in witch she told me she wanted (mon night she told me that). It was not good talking all mon night as it always is when we have disagreements. I was too worried about losing my son (Tyler 3yrs old) and my step son (David 7). It wasnt till I went to work Monday and was working at my bench, that I realized I was loosing my best friend and my wife. Something I never thought I would have to worry about. After 4 10 min breaks in the bathroom to ball my eyes out in 5 hrs of work, my boss sent me home. I came home to an empty house (she was at school). I did alot of soul searching and thought about the mistakes that I have made. I then typed out this letter to read in front of her.

Stephanie,
I am sorry that it has come to this to get your attention. Never in a million years would I have though that I would drive my best friend away by not doing what I should have been doing for the last 2 years. I fell in love with you in the first place because you were someone that I could talk to and let loose with. If I told you about something sad you would cry with me. If I told you something funny, you would laugh with me. If I did something stupid you could laugh at me, and I didnt feel stupid. But over the 4 yrs and 7 months that we have been married I seemed to have forgotten all of the reasons we were so happy together, but instead I crawl into a little hole and let problems tare apart our marrage. Problems like not giving you the attention that you needed and deserved. Hurting your feelings buy doing something that made you feel 1 inch tall. That isnt the kind of man that I am. I have deleted every single piece of porn on our computer, because I am not that kind of person. But that is the kind of person that I have been showing you that I am in the last 2 yrs though, but truly I am not that . The phone call that I received today while I was laying on the coutch was a support group in Milwaukee to offer counseling to help people quit smoking. That is a promis that I made to someone 5 yrs ago and countless times with in those 5 yrs. I am sorry that I ingored your plea for telling me that you needed more, I kept thinking later, i am sad, later i am busy, no not right now I am tired, no it is too hot. Well I am ammiting my mistakes and I want nothing more than to hug you and love you the way I used to and then some. I am sorry that I have been selfish. I have known all along that marrage is about being unselfish. Some how I missed that. I have been to busy diggin myself a hole and saying leave me alone I will deal with it when I want to. I am not sure I have this last chance but I want to deal with it not later now. I want to be the man that I used to be. I know at one time I was your night in shinning armor, some how I have become that king that just takes everything forgranted. Well I realize that I have made alot of mistakes. I realize that I push and pull you menatally when I should be huggin and kissin you. When I am lacking and you ask for my attention, I wont blow you off, I will drop everything to keep showing you how much you love you, and if ever in your life you doubt me again... all you has to do is say so, I will always be there for you and will always listen, not just hear, but listen to what and or how you are feeling.

Buehlz · 09-10-2003, 11:15 AM

We then talked for a good hr and a half. I thought that I had made her see my flaws and that I wanted to make everything better. But through the hole talk she kept saying that she couldnt have her heart broken again. I then went to bed. After being in bed for 10 min she told me she was going to a friends house (her friend Stephanie). I got up after she had been gone for 10 min and saw that she had taken the letter with her to Stephs house. So I know that she was still thinking about it. But I have come to this day and I still havent changed her mind. Am I fighting for the unfightable and have to let her go and hope she comes back or should I keep fighting? My heart doesnt want to let go but my brain says u better back off before she gets mad that u wont give her space. Well any help from the experienced male in this situation would help. Any help from females that have an idea or coment would help also. I have been saying my prayers. I dont want to loose her. I know the kids arnt going anyware.

StellaMN · 09-10-2003, 11:32 AM

I think that is a beautiful letter. I hope that after hearing that, she would give things another shot. If you two love each other enough, you'll be able to get through it.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

Jodi

Alice · 09-10-2003, 12:03 PM

Give her space yes, but don't ignore her. Send a card that says I'm thinking about you, send her a small bouquet of flowers or some other small thing you know she likes. Don't make it look like you are trying to buy back her affection but let her know you are thinking about her.

If she'll agree, take a day off from work and take her on a picnic or some other small outing that you know she'll like ,showing her that you WILL make time for her and the kids now is going to be a big issue.

Good luck, sometimes holes are really hard to climb out of but it can be done. Don't give up.

Alice

Alice · 09-10-2003, 12:04 PM

btw, I wouldn't tell her you posted that here and asked for advice

Jimmer · 09-10-2003, 12:23 PM

Hang in there. I went through a similar prob myself. The best you can do is lay out exactly how you feel, how bvadly you feel for what happened and ask for her to forgive and not forget. Its gonna take time, anytime trust is broken it takes time. The hardest thing for you is that the ball is in her court so to speak. try as hard as you can to not harp on the fact that your sorry. It gets old to her after a while. Be there, be understanding, SHOW her you are serious about changing.

Hope it all works out for you two.

beach bum · 09-10-2003, 12:45 PM

Gosh I wish I had more time to reply to this, but perhaps shorter is better. YOU need to change yourself, not you changing the "relationship" - that is what happens BETWEEN two people - not BECAUSE of one person or another. ALL YOU CAN DO is change yourself - and that doesn't mean changing thoughts, which we can't usually control, it means changing your BEHAVIOR. What that means in your case I can't imagine, but face your own shortcomings and let the relationship heal of it's own accord. This does not mean selfish behavior, but you will need to focus on yourself to find where those character defects lie.

I would heartily suggest a mentor of some kind. Whether it be a priest, licensed therapist, or twelve step type recovery program, you need to get ACTIVE.

I am proud to admit I have 5+ years of recovery in AA, and the rewards have been boundless, it was not about quitting drinking after the first couple of months, in the years since it has given me lessons in life that are indispensible to healthy relationships, of all types.

Remember this: You only can give what you have now, if you want to give something better than what you are - you need to get it first, so find that place where you can get it. ASK FOR HELP MAN!

PS- the caps are for emphasis, not yelling. I feel greatly for you and hope you find the outcome you desire.

If you need to personal PM me for anything, please feel free to do so. I am more than willing to share on a personal level, just not on the public forum.

Chris

Buehlz · 09-10-2003, 01:18 PM

well I am afraid that all she want is time alone. It seems like when she leaves she is gone until she has to come back so she doenst have to face me and be hurt. How can I show her that I can change when she isnt around?

ShirleyM · 09-10-2003, 01:19 PM

First of all, ditto what Alice and Chris said.

***** message cut --- what I said no longer applies now that I read your letter to Stephanie, which I chose not to read the first time since I felt that should be private. Further down in another post I explain why I did in fact go back and read it *****

I understand why she doesn't trust your intentions. I suggest you get this worked out before she finds someone who pays her the attention she craves, the value as a female human being she craves, the activities together she would enjoy. We know when men are only along because they think they "have" to be.

You're married to her, so I don't think giving her space is the answer. She and you need to work together on everything from laundry to shopping to a weekend away together, but remember, a weekend away is not going to fix anything, b/c it's the day-to-day existence at home that is terrifying her.

The advice of a wise man to a husband regarding the mother of their children: "When she throws a spear at you, catch it and set it aside."

~ Shirley

Buehlz · 09-10-2003, 01:23 PM

The other card that I have against me is that her two best friends are devorced, and a third friend is in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend. I dont want to sound like a male shovinisk pig but I hope to god that they are not all men bashers and are atleast giving me the benifit of the doubt that I can be a better husband to my wife than there husbands were to them

ShirleyM · 09-10-2003, 01:33 PM

It won't matter if her friends are going through a divorce or if they are "men bashers". No one influenced me, and I didn't influence anyone else, even though I talked about it a lot with a close female friend. 7 yrs after my divorce, she got divorced. So I don't think it's contagious. If the feelings are there, a herd of buffalo can't drive her away. You need to put yourself last for awhile, not feel sorry for yourself, and be with her, but not "kissing her feet" (women hate that).

~ Shirley

Toadfish · 09-10-2003, 01:57 PM

Misery loves company...and in most cases (maybe not yours Shirley) if friends are going through it it can make you question things as well. My wife and I had a tough time a couple of years ago...Her friends were going through seperations and divorce (no coincidence that they all did at one time). I drilled her on it (the worst thing you can do) we fought and grew further apart due to it. When she finally realized what she wanted (which all women go through) she admitted to me that the negativity from her friends wasn't any help to our relationship. She actually disconnected from a few of them due to the continuous bithching and moaning they did about their spouses. Some folks are extremely vulnerable to the power of persuation. One last thing Buehlz...give her space, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. You cannot fight the will of others. Your problems probably stem from going in different directions, not growing together. When the smoke clears, try to get back to what made your relationship work, and find new common interests. Awareness is the key to a healthy relationship...maybe you should get her to a councilor(sp.) so that neither of you hold anything back. Good luck.

Toadfish · 09-10-2003, 02:02 PM

BTW dude...If you think that you have to change soley then it isn't gowing to work out long term. It has to be a two way street to work. Again, try to get into counciling. Communication is paramount at this point.

ShirleyM · 09-10-2003, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Toadfish
Misery loves company...and in most cases (maybe not yours Shirley)

True, but I also don't keep friends who are constantly negative. I can't deal with that, and my friends and I had discussions, not b---sessions; there's a difference, and I don't know what or how his wife is talking.

Quote:

Originally posted by Toadfish
When she finally realized what she wanted (which all women go through)

I must say that all people go through this, not just women. We all assess our lives and go through the checks and balances to see where we are and where we intend to head next...and usually couples go through these self-examinations together and harmoniously, but sometimes not.

Since she views the problem is with you (Buehlz), you can't "get her to go to counseling". That, imo, will be insulting and make matters worse, and put her on the defensive. Work on yourself and work together, and if counseling *together* and counseling for you *alone* helps, than that would be the route to take. Talking your personal lives over with mutual friends or family is rarely constructive.

I've rarely seen "giving space" work, but I have seen huge improvement when the two work together and review their commitment and what it means to them. You have a child together, and so therefore you need to parent that child together -- even during the rough times, so long as there is no abuse.

~ Shirley

ShirleyM · 09-10-2003, 05:25 PM

Buehlz,

I am sorry to say I just read the letter you wrote your wife. I didn't read it before b/c I didn't think it was anyone's business. Then I started thinking...what did he say that makes her STILL want time alone?

I can only speak for myself, but I would have left long ago. I'm sorry to say that to you on the board, and maybe it's inappropriate, but you asked and I can honestly give you female reasons why a woman should not have had to put up with some of the things you mentioned for the period of time she has stuck it out.

Yes, she probably does need time and space...and during that time you'll need a lot more than just counseling...you need to look at yourself and not what you are calling "problems" as though they are inanimate objects not brought on by your actions.

No woman should have to share her partner with porn, or being be-littled, and so on. Speaking for myself and most women I know personally, we wouldn't and never have. Yes, I realize many do, but I'm not in that group, and therefore I can easily see where she may be quite concerned about her future and the father figure you will provide for your son.

Life is tough,...and what I'm saying just may make you very angry, but you must realize you asked for help, and that is what you are getting.

I wish you the best....

Shirley