(note not for the easily offended or persons who take offense to redneck type humor
)
Darwin Awards
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once
again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The
Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who
died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing
themselves from the gene pool.
This year's nine nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to
break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally
shot himself to death when the gun discharged,
blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was
killed in March as he was trying to repair what
police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns
hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught
on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to
death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the
sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he
reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &
Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it
to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of
Southern states always seem to figure prominently
among the Darwin nominees.)
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed
through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24
floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry
Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the strength of the building's windows to
visiting law students. Hoy previously has conduct! ed
demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports . Peter Lawson, managing partner of
the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper
that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members
of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another
Canadian province getting into the awards.... The
Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)
Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are
being blamed for the death of a man who was killed
by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his
body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane
gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily
of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things).
It was just the right combination of foods. It
appears that the man died in his sleep from
breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over
his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been
opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was
shut up in his nearly air! tight bedroom. According to
the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity
for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the
rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird
posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting
South Carolina's electric chair on a murder
conviction before having his sentence reduced to
life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit
into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina
entrants are always perennial favorites.)
Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal
explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using
a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle
loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon
discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators
said. Gregory David Pry! or, 19, died in his parents'
rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators
said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader
that had not been firing properly. He was using the
lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder
ignited.
Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his
condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan
Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the
accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of
the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair
moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
(Another Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are
moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck
left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on
State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County
deputy Dovey Snyder reported the ! accident shortly
after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des
Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were
returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an
overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck
headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the
older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement
fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber
bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the
steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet
the headlights again began to operate properly, and
the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White
River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before
crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated,
discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.
The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the
pavement, and striking a tree. Poole! suffered only
minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will
require extensive surgery to repair the damage to
his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated
and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge
when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both
be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10
years in this part of the world, but this is a first
for me. I can't believe that those two would admit
how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's
wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and
did anyone get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of
their misadventure as normally required by Darwin
Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole
DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the
gene pool.)
"A BRW Original"
