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Chanukah!
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year:
December 25. Jews love December 25th. It's another
paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese
food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until
a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing
us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots.
We all have the same calendar, provided free with a
donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the
kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
(especially in Florida).
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a
minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish
holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's
eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as
jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical
presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected
works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the
bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No
one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah,
Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for
husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special
gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one
expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.
Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared
enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good
about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night,
Come O Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about
dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing
the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that
many of the beautiful carols were composed and written
by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand
and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells
wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes
baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive
moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil,
potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of
loud people all talking at once.
9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies.
Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating
potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another
reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver to their children during
Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about
withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy
to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.
The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah
Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or
pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our
friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in
our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.
Jews think, Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman
is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you
want to blame god. Here's the number of my shrink.
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more
and more commercialized. The same holds true for
Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes
sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom
Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing.
Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours,
become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest,
confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and
your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
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and plenty of guilt being passed around 
"A BRW Original"
